What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 03:57
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What did i know ?
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My life is so biszare .
How do you view men and women who cheat?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
Where are the gay people in India?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Will you share your wife? Can she take both of us at the same time?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Especially a lifetime of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
Why do many women wear sleeveless shirts, more so than men?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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He resisted the act ,that day.
She married twice! .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But it wasn’t much.
So, i spoilt her more .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Would this be the day?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was very sick at this time too.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As i do to all so called friends.?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But, we were locked up after school.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
All the time i was locked up.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We all went to grammer schools
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He knew the spot.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ive learnt so much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I waited trembling.
She found it foreign!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So whats the point in blame.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And i lived it daily.
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She loved him until the end.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im still living with it.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.